sarah margaret girl

Inspiration is up again. I got a little lost there. Loss of productivity can be unavoidable. Somedays we have to do farm stuff. Errands. I hate errands. Going to town. Having lists. Trying to hit all the stores and remember everything we need. We always forget something. Meeting someone from Craigslist to buy feed or straw or equipment. Always awkward. I hate needing to be somewhere are at a specific time. Hurts my brain a bit.

My thought process.

I have to meet so and so at 4 pm. So we need to leave by 3 pm. We should probably shop first. An extra hour for the feed store, now 2 pm leave time. Oh wait we should do this other store too, but it is even farther into town. Ok, leave by 1 pm. Well if we are leaving at 1 pm maybe we leave at 12:30 and have lunch in town. Lunch in town is always fun.

Then you check the lists in the car. We need ten items for one place and five from another. Then there is the dreaded grocery shop. Maybe this is why I want to be a gardener. So I never have to go to the grocery store.

I do miss leisurely shopping. You know going to the craft store and just browsing. Or the book store. Or the office supply store. Swoon. I have been to two craft stores in the last few weeks. I can’t remember when I visited one before that. Maybe a year? I used to go to the craft store often.

I guess I don’t need leisurely shopping anymore. All I need is the animals and the garden. Give me some writing time and I am an extra happy girl.

The sun is shining and the sky is blue! Glorious. It has been gloomy and stormy. Rain and wind yesterday. I like the rain but not the mud it creates. Chris has done a great job of making paths around the farm but everywhere else is mud. I am an Oregon girl so I do get rain. Rain has been my whole life. The wind is a bit overwhelming. The wind can destroy an easy in seconds. Rip it away. When we lived in town there was wind but we were sheltered. Here we are exposed. This is one of those things I hadn’t thought about in moving. I love living on ten acres but it is really open.
I do so much indoor desk computer work that the rain doesn’t bother me. It is Chris that needs dry and sunny. He works so hard outside all day. It makes his life so much easier.

I feel like all I have done is discuss the new year. Yeah yeah yeah. The new year is exciting. I never realized how January feels like a baby spring. I have been going through the seed and chick catalogs. I sorted through our leftover seeds too. It feels so good and exciting. I think the hope and promise of gardening is my favorite part. Picking out seeds, starting seeds, watching them grow, blooms, fruit and then eating. Dream come true.

I feel more ready for this summer than last. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know what to do with a quarter acre of garden space. This year I will use those lessons and learn some new ones. It is going to be amazing!

I would say that on average I am depressed or borderline depressed. That’s how my Bipolar rolls. Manic is far scarier than depression. Manic feels good but there is that crash. Depression is what it is. You might feel better or you might not. It feels safer. Weird concept. Depression is safe. You know its a lack. If feels like emptiness. A lack of care. I always thought I was lazy but is more apathetic. And that shit sneaks up on you. You may be just doing your thing then bam! Depressed. The bam can be quiet too. Just slides in. Fine vs not fine. I strive for feeling fine.

Right now I am not feeling depressed. I feel fine.

I am not sleeping at night but that is almost fine. I am sleeping 8 hours it just in the morning. I am privileged that I get to sleep then.

Why am I not depressed? I think the holidays were fun. I had fun. There are small nagging feelings of yuck, I can’t imagine my life without those, but they haven’t taken over. No panic attacks. Mostly feeling optimistic about the new year. I always want to feel excited for a new year but it doesn’t really feel like anything different. Maybe I am still feeding off that. Maybe manic is coming? I am feeling creative and too much creativity can bring it on. I am planning to be gentle with myself. I can be creative and not broken.

Maybe fine feels good because it isn’t as extreme. My emotions tend to live in the extreme. Fine is balanced. Maybe fine can be the new safe.

Everything seems slow and painful. The connection to the interwebs is breaking me. I want to play a song, ten minutes later it might play.

My period makes everything feel so slow too. The pain is just part of it. Constant gushes of blood leaving my body is gross and makes it difficult to do anything. Just standing is uncomfortable. Let alone going outside to do any work. Sitting is the only way to be comfortable. The drugs only help so much. There is still a deep rumble of pain. It feels all-consuming. Like my brain can’t concentrate because all there is is pain. I am jealous of girls that don’t have these problems. Their periods don’t make them shut down completely. It makes me feel guilty. Like I am less of a woman because I can not bear this. Then next month I will forget. The pain, the headaches, the lack of will to do anything. I have the motivation but the will to do it is low. I distract so easily. Smoking CBD and heat is all that really helps. Even then it feels like my brain is in a fog. Broken. There is nausea and deep hunger. And the pooping. I either have diarrhea or constipation. My whole body is sore and aches. It isn’t easy to get comfortable. The one thing I crave to be. This is how periods are for me.

I have tried lots of things to fix them. Birth Control. Never again. Seed cycling seems to help. Drinking lots and lots of water seems to help. Losing weight would help. I hear fat hangs on to estragon. What a bitch. I have read books and try to be in tune with my body but I feel so disconnected from her.

Periods really don’t make sense to me. How could we run around the jungle with blood gushing from us and escape predators? It seems like a terrible design. I understand that we need to shed but isn’t there a cleaner way?
I have always loved the explanation of a period as a woman that creates a nursery and when she finds no baby she destroys it. She is sad and mad and broken. She has a one-tracked mind and her world is not as it should be. Kind of soul-crushing. I wish I could tell her its fine. We don’t need a baby. I wonder of a primal part of me is sad there is no baby. Our brains are not nearly as powerful as our ape brains.