I would say that on average I am depressed or borderline depressed. That’s how my Bipolar rolls. Manic is far scarier than depression. Manic feels good but there is that crash. Depression is what it is. You might feel better or you might not. It feels safer. Weird concept. Depression is safe. You know its a lack. If feels like emptiness. A lack of care. I always thought I was lazy but is more apathetic. And that shit sneaks up on you. You may be just doing your thing then bam! Depressed. The bam can be quiet too. Just slides in. Fine vs not fine. I strive for feeling fine.
Right now I am not feeling depressed. I feel fine.
I am not sleeping at night but that is almost fine. I am sleeping 8 hours it just in the morning. I am privileged that I get to sleep then.
Why am I not depressed? I think the holidays were fun. I had fun. There are small nagging feelings of yuck, I can’t imagine my life without those, but they haven’t taken over. No panic attacks. Mostly feeling optimistic about the new year. I always want to feel excited for a new year but it doesn’t really feel like anything different. Maybe I am still feeding off that. Maybe manic is coming? I am feeling creative and too much creativity can bring it on. I am planning to be gentle with myself. I can be creative and not broken.
Maybe fine feels good because it isn’t as extreme. My emotions tend to live in the extreme. Fine is balanced. Maybe fine can be the new safe.
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