sarah margaret girl

Inspiration is up again. I got a little lost there. Loss of productivity can be unavoidable. Somedays we have to do farm stuff. Errands. I hate errands. Going to town. Having lists. Trying to hit all the stores and remember everything we need. We always forget something. Meeting someone from Craigslist to buy feed or straw or equipment. Always awkward. I hate needing to be somewhere are at a specific time. Hurts my brain a bit.

My thought process.

I have to meet so and so at 4 pm. So we need to leave by 3 pm. We should probably shop first. An extra hour for the feed store, now 2 pm leave time. Oh wait we should do this other store too, but it is even farther into town. Ok, leave by 1 pm. Well if we are leaving at 1 pm maybe we leave at 12:30 and have lunch in town. Lunch in town is always fun.

Then you check the lists in the car. We need ten items for one place and five from another. Then there is the dreaded grocery shop. Maybe this is why I want to be a gardener. So I never have to go to the grocery store.

I do miss leisurely shopping. You know going to the craft store and just browsing. Or the book store. Or the office supply store. Swoon. I have been to two craft stores in the last few weeks. I can’t remember when I visited one before that. Maybe a year? I used to go to the craft store often.

I guess I don’t need leisurely shopping anymore. All I need is the animals and the garden. Give me some writing time and I am an extra happy girl.

Everything seems slow and painful. The connection to the interwebs is breaking me. I want to play a song, ten minutes later it might play.

My period makes everything feel so slow too. The pain is just part of it. Constant gushes of blood leaving my body is gross and makes it difficult to do anything. Just standing is uncomfortable. Let alone going outside to do any work. Sitting is the only way to be comfortable. The drugs only help so much. There is still a deep rumble of pain. It feels all-consuming. Like my brain can’t concentrate because all there is is pain. I am jealous of girls that don’t have these problems. Their periods don’t make them shut down completely. It makes me feel guilty. Like I am less of a woman because I can not bear this. Then next month I will forget. The pain, the headaches, the lack of will to do anything. I have the motivation but the will to do it is low. I distract so easily. Smoking CBD and heat is all that really helps. Even then it feels like my brain is in a fog. Broken. There is nausea and deep hunger. And the pooping. I either have diarrhea or constipation. My whole body is sore and aches. It isn’t easy to get comfortable. The one thing I crave to be. This is how periods are for me.

I have tried lots of things to fix them. Birth Control. Never again. Seed cycling seems to help. Drinking lots and lots of water seems to help. Losing weight would help. I hear fat hangs on to estragon. What a bitch. I have read books and try to be in tune with my body but I feel so disconnected from her.

Periods really don’t make sense to me. How could we run around the jungle with blood gushing from us and escape predators? It seems like a terrible design. I understand that we need to shed but isn’t there a cleaner way?
I have always loved the explanation of a period as a woman that creates a nursery and when she finds no baby she destroys it. She is sad and mad and broken. She has a one-tracked mind and her world is not as it should be. Kind of soul-crushing. I wish I could tell her its fine. We don’t need a baby. I wonder of a primal part of me is sad there is no baby. Our brains are not nearly as powerful as our ape brains.